Today marks twelve weeks and three days since giving birth to my baby boy, and boy has it been a roller coaster ride. I am not sure if the second time around has been harder or if I am just more in tune with what is happening in my body and mind, but the baby blues hit me hard this time. After having my daughter I remember a distinct feeling of loneliness that I chalked up to being at home with my infant rather than going into an office each day, but I never really felt the full on baby blues. I wasn't surprised by the baby blues this time because I had heard that it was very common, even if you didn't have it after your first birth, but I was surprised how low it took me. I am writing this post in an effort to bring light to the reality of postpartum life and awareness about what new moms can do as well as the type of support that can be helpful during this big transitional period. As you read this post it's important to remember every woman's experience is different, this is just my story. If a woman doesn't start feeling like herself within the first month after having a baby, she may need to seek help from a health care professional as she may be dealing with postpartum depression and may need more assistance.
The first couple of days in the hospital were a whirlwind of pure bliss and complete overwhelm. That first night after delivery was like being a brand new mom all over again. Since my husband took my daughter home to sleep in her own bed and have as normal of a night as possible, I was by myself with this new little life, afraid to fall asleep in fear that my baby would stop breathing. My stitches from the tear I endured while giving birth stung and the thirst I felt was like I had walked across the desert with no canteen. The nurse couldn't fill my giant mug up enough and every time she entered the room I asked if she could bring me more water with the good, crunchy ice. Because I couldn't sleep for fear of rolling onto or dropping this tiny body that lay so peacefully on me, I laid awake with a feeling of loneliness I can't quite describe. The next day was a maelstrom of utter exhaustion, hospital staff visits, and communicating with the many family members excited to share in the news of this precious person entering the world. Tests were run and the circumcision was done. Afterwards, both my husband and I questioned our decision to circumcise and doubt and sadness crept in. The doubt in decision making is one of the most difficult things I face as a parent. I just want to do what is best by my child and sometimes the answers aren't so clear. Again, he left at the end of the night as we had planned but I now know that was the wrong decision because in my hormonal and drained state, I was sad and scared. I was scared to be alone in this journey and wasn't able to quite get the words out. The next day, I went home and tried to sleep without much luck but was blessed with my mother helping me with my toddler so I could at least rest with my new babe. Nursing seemed to relax me (which makes sense since breastfeeding releases oxytocin- a happy chemical in your brain). I also made the decision to encapsulate my placenta. An interesting choice, I know, but I do believe the placenta capsules helped my mood when I would take them. Theoretically, this should help balance hormones and replenish nutrients in the body since the placenta is so nutrient rich. I wasn't able to find any clear cut research on the subject but I do think it was helpful, even if I was just experiencing a placebo effect. My sweet husband was at a loss for what to do when he came home from work. Since he runs his own business, we had decided he would take minimal time off and we both longed for more bonding time together. I would weep for what seemed like no reason and all he could do was hold me. Wanting to fix it and not understanding what "it" was, he became frustrated and a little distant as he was experiencing his own emotions about this big change in our life. The days he worked and I stayed home alone at the beginning were long. I felt guilty for not getting up and playing with my 2 year old more. I felt like a terrible mom for allowing her to watch multiple TV shows or movies a day. It seemed like all I could do was feed her, my baby, and myself before the day was over. Laundry piled up and I was changing an unbelievable amount of diapers. No joke, the baby pooped 4 times in a row one time. I would be attaching the diaper and he would let another one go. 4. Times. On top of the logistics and day to day living with two little people so dependent on me, the physical symptoms were a little disturbing. I would experience hot flashes, belly aches and cramps, and acne in areas I didn't know acne occurred. I started to get tension headaches a couple of weeks in that put me into more of a fog. Needless to say, I was just plain irritable. After a couple weeks of this, I wondered if I would ever come out the other side. I wondered if I would ever feel like I could catch up and do this 'mom' thing they way I always hoped and dreamed I could. I thought I was crazy for ever wanting more children. So many thoughts swirled in my head. Negative thoughts can really drag you down. I tried meditation and prayer in an effort to lose the toxic mind chatter and sometimes it helped, other times it felt pointless. The efforts were worth it though because when it helped, my days were brighter. Living each day with an intention of gratitude was the most important thing I did for myself. Gratitude for my healthy children. Gratitude for my hard working husband. Gratitude for my parents. Gratitude for my breath. I can honestly look back and say it was hard. Transitioning into life with a brand new baby is a challenge. Some have it more difficult than others but nobody gets off scot-free. Family members: if you want to help, ask what you can do and honor mom and dad's wishes around visits and requests. Partners: I urge you to be gentle with each other and spend time just holding one another in a loving embrace. Sometimes, all that is needed is a little physical affection and sometimes it's all you can do. Moms: seek out assistance. Ask family members, partners, friends, or neighbors to help you with meals, laundry, watching the older kids, whatever you need. You cannot do it all, especially by yourself. More than anything I hope you can remember and believe that it will get easier. Transitions and change are challenging. You will get better at managing everything that needs to be done. And sometimes, just realize it doesn't all need to get done. Let go. The baby will become easier and then harder again and you will find your confidence. It just takes practice and time. Give yourself some time. I'm on the other side and can tell you the fog will lift.
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This is a letter to my two and a half year old, two months after her little brother was born. As I watch her process through this huge transition there are so many things I want to tell her that she won't understand yet. I can only hope that this letter will reach her later upon looking back at our experience together and feel loved. Dear Reese, We have undergone some intense changes these last few months and I am so incredibly proud of you and grateful for the way you have hung in there with your daddy and I. We moved into a new home just months before introducing another child into your life; a child who would stand in your spotlight and draw so much of my attention. Through these changes daddy and I have had some hard moments, and it breaks my heart to admit that you have been privy to some of those moments. It will probably be a very long time before you understand this letter, but I am writing it anyways as a reminder of the things I want you to know and understand as you get older and look back on this time in our family's history. 1. Daddy and I will be ok. I don't ever want you to worry about your daddy and I. Daddy and I are very different, which is one of the best things about who we are as a couple. He is good at things that I am not very good at and I excel in areas he struggles with. These differences create strain on our relationship once in a while and sometimes you see us in our disagreements. You are so astute to notice when mommy is having a 'hard time', which just solidifies my belief that you have my empathetic heart and sensitive spirit. I want to put your mind at ease that your daddy and I love each other SO much and no matter what, we are committed to growing as a couple and as parents to create the most loving and supportive environment for all four of us. We will continue to work on facing our differences and disagreements away from you and your brother, but I know you sense our energies and emotions. I want our family to be honest about how we are feeling and what we are experiencing, so if you need to express yourself please share and know that we will listen. Sweet girl, please know that daddy and mommy will be ok and we will never give up on each other or you. 2. You are irreplaceable. It was not long ago I took the sign out of your nursery that said, "No one will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." That sign is now your chalkboard and growing with you. Now, you have a big girl room and now you share your role of "my child" with a new person. A person we are just getting to know and a person who requires a lot of my attention right now. Although I share this enormous love for both you and your brother, I want you to know that my love has not split in half, it has multiplied. When I think about just how special you are, it fills me with joy. Nobody can take away the unique bond we share. There is not another person on this earth who runs to me with open arms to be caught and wrapped up, toppling us to the ground in giggles. There is nobody else who has taught me as much about unconditional love as you, my first baby. You were the first person I housed in my body. You were the reason I began to take even better care of myself through pregnancy because I wanted you to be as healthy as possible. I am eternally grateful for that. You have taught me just as much as I have taught you in our two and a half years together. You are special and I will spend the rest of my days trying to make sure you know that. 3. I see you. The "Mommy, look at me!" days have begun. You love to show me how you dance and twirl your dresses. You love dressing up in beautiful clothes, i.e. my flowy shirts and bathing suit cover-ups. You are exploring with your abilities and so proud to show me what you are able to do. I want you to know that I see you. Even when I may seem busy or distracted, I will do my best to make sure I look at you when you need it or request it. Know that when I am not looking, I still see you. You are pure light. You are a beautifully emotional and gentle soul. You love big and I see that in how you love your baby brother. Your excitement when he looks and smiles at you, your random kisses and snuggles when you don't think I am watching, your always making sure he is okay and letting me know when he is upset or needs me, all show me how caring you are. You are kind and funny, energetic and independent, and innocent and beautiful. If you ever lose sight of who you are and need help finding your way back, come to me and I will help remind you because I see you. 4. I hear you. Reesey, you have so many words and are still so young. I can imagine that it must be challenging for you to express everything that is going on in that little mind, but you are doing an excellent job and I am listening. A couple of weeks ago as we were leaving a store you wanted me to pick you up. I was wearing your little brother in a wrap but picked you up into my arms and carried you both to the car along with the 3 shopping bags I had in my hands (thank goodness I work out!). When I picked you up, you looked right into my eyes and said, "Mommy, I need you." I know you do, my love. I hear that you still need me to cuddle you and carry you and show you how special you are to me. I am listening when you say, "I need mommy," to daddy in the middle of the night. And so I come to you and hold you as you fall back asleep. It is a privilege to be needed by you and I am listening to your words. Continue talking to me and I promise to do my best to understand you. As we move through this life together we will have miscommunications and arguments but I will always work to really hear what you are telling me. 5. Daddy and I will ALWAYS love you. There is nothing you could do that could change how much your daddy and I love you. You are so special and lovely and we will do our best to make sure you always feel that way. Giving birth is one of life's most miraculous moments and those of us who are lucky enough to have the experience will never forget our birth stories. My husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant for the second time and although we would have liked to experience a home or birth center birth, we chose to move forward with a hospital birth for the insurance coverage and financial considerations. My first birth was an overall wonderful experience. I knew I wanted to have a natural non-medicated birth from the beginning. My doctor was on board with my plan for my first delivery and I was able to deliver my baby girl in the hospital with no medication or epidural. What a success! Not to say I didn't have to fight a bit for it. The labor and delivery nurse for my first birth wanted to get me hooked up for fluids and we went back and forth a number of times before she consulted my doctor, who respected my decision to refuse the IV, recognizing I was showing no risk factors. Unfortunately for me, giving birth in a hospital with no medical intervention whatsoever is a rarity.
With the experience I had with my daughter, I had no reservations about going back to the same doctor and planning to have the same experience with my son. Over the course of my prenatal care, I noticed some changes in the care I was receiving. The office was busier on a regular basis. I was waiting well over an hour for every single appointment (with my toddler). It took approximately 15 minutes just to speak with someone at the front desk when I called in. My doctor was quick to prescribe unnecessary medications for mild symptoms and let me know a c-section was a possibility because my baby was presenting breech at 28 weeks. 28 weeks! The baby had plenty of time to shift into proper birthing position (which he did) and this discussion created anxiety in me that could have been avoided altogether. After waiting almost 2 hours and needing to leave for another appointment, I left my doctor's office at 35 weeks pregnant with no plans to return. This may have been an emotional decision driven by hormones and a two hours with a two year old at a doctor's office, but I look back and don't regret the decision at all. As women, we have the right to guide the experience we want when it comes to the birth of our child. Regardless of what you want, a natural delivery, a planned c-section, an epidural, the choice is yours and no woman should feel pressured by her provider to do what the provider wants. I am not talking about high risk pregnancies or true emergency situations, but situations in which the mother is being blindly led into a less desirable birth option than what she truly wants and is capable of having. Too often, I hear stories of women being persuaded to have a c-section because it is more convenient, or being told their baby needs to be induced when they are in a no risk situation (or even early!). After taking my stand and walking out of the office, I was fairly confident that I could find a great referral from all the wonderful resources I had built in my community. I received a number of referrals, but being so close to my due date, every office I called was full. I started to get nervous and called on a doula who many of my friends birthed with; a woman who is highly respected in the natural birthing world in Southern California. She gave me the name of a midwife who was part of a large medical group in the area. I was hesitant because I had heard mixed reviews of this medical group and I was leaving a big medical group because of the bureaucracy I was sure to find with another large group. I called the group and was thrilled to hear that this midwife had availability for my birth. They asked me to have my previous doctor send my medical records over so I called that day to have them sent. A couple of nights later, I began having contractions. I could tell they were false labor contractions, but they were strong enough to wake me up. I still hadn't heard back from the new office to schedule me in and I began to worry the baby may come and I would have to call on the doctor I left to deliver my son. The next morning, I called the new office and they still wouldn't schedule me because they hadn't received the records. Two days later, my husband and I were sitting in church and a few minutes into the service, I noticed a woman walk in with two strapping looking young men (yes, I said strapping and if you saw them you would say so too). The woman looked strangely familiar but I couldn't quite place her at first. I soon realized she was the midwife I was trying to get in to see! As the service went on, I noticed a theme in the message... "Have faith in my plans for you." Regardless of religious affiliation, I truly believe we have no reason to worry as our path is set forth by something greater than ourselves. We have choices in how we respond and live our lives and the way to find freedom and joy is to live fully in the present moment. When you find yourself worrying about what the future holds, you are missing the present moment and there is no greater gift than the beauty of the now. Before running into my midwife at church (what I call my Divine intervention), all I could do was worry about what my birth was going to look like if I didn't find another provider. This did nothing for me but stress my body and my baby. Let go, let God, and look up- not out. After the service, I came up to her and asked her if she was who I thought she was and when she affirmed my suspicions, I broke into tears. She took my hands and warmly comforted me. Not only did she talk with me for 20 minutes, she scheduled me in and gave me her cell phone number in case I thought the baby would come early. At my appointment she spent time with me going over everything she and I needed to communicate before the birth and I walked out feeling more confident than ever. On September 1st, at 3:07 p.m., Jameson Everett Allen came into the world. My midwife gave me the incredible gift of walking me through a natural delivery. She sat by my husband's and my side as I endured the pain and intensity of my contractions. She held me both physically and emotionally and guided me through the most beautiful experience I could have ever asked for. I will never forget my angel, my midwife, Lisa Sherwood. Pregnant women, I offer you this: no matter what you are told through your pregnancy, your birth is yours and if you dig deep and get in touch with your body and your baby, your instinct and intuition will guide you to what birth experience is right for you. Listen to the voice within and trust it. I am so glad I did. Becoming a mother is just as incredible as everyone always makes it out to be. Sharing a love and bond with your children is one the most beautiful gifts this life has to offer. Parenting is also one of the most challenging, grueling, and trying things you can add to your life. When you are expecting a baby you hear the gamut of positive and negative comments which seems confusing at first, but then you get it.... "Oh my goodness, when you look into your baby's eyes you will feel the most indescribable, perfect love ever!" to, "Good luck, having kids is the hardest thing you'll ever do." That first year of your child's life is a whirlwind of long nights, beautiful first moments, exhausted frustration, pure bliss, and you realize that all of those comments fit because being a parent is hard AND amazing at the same time. Because parenting can be consuming (especially in those first few years your child is so dependent on you), we often forget to take care of ourselves.
I am proud to admit that self care has been a big part of my life over the last few years. I became a yoga instructor, which helped me find balance in my mind and body. I started to focus on how food affected me and began making better choices resulting in more energy and a stronger body. I took time to build relationships with friends and loved ones. All of these things brought a sense of calm and balance to my life that resulted in a positive state of being. Then I had a baby. That balance was thrown so far off between lack of sleep, hormonal shifts, complete overhaul of my life routine, family expectations, marriage challenges, and on and on... I was a mess and needed a change. I didn't even realize it at first and when I was first invited to a breastfeeding support group I declined because I believed I had everything under control. The next time I was invited I decided to go because I just needed to get out of the house. Little did I know, I would meet some of the most amazing mothers who would become a huge support system for me in the years to come. This was the beginning of rebalancing and reaching out. Over the next couple of years, I began a new routine that was a little chaotic at times, but still greatly beneficial to getting back to my self care intentions. I would walk almost everyday, even those days it seemed unbearable to put on my shoes and get out of the house with a baby. Being active not only helps your body feel good again after giving birth, it also get your endorphins going so after I would walk, I literally felt like I was in a better mood. I also picked up a few yoga classes to teach. My husband and I worked out a schedule and I would go do something I loved and felt great about a few times a week. Connecting with others and having just a little time away from baby was rejuvenating. Just when this new routine was feeling right, I got pregnant again and everything went haywire. I was so sick those first few months, I couldn't walk and could barely keep food down. I guess my point here is that taking care of yourself is HARD work and as soon as you think you have it down to a science, everything changes. It is hard as a mother to take time for yourself. This is something I hear all the time. I get it. It is HARD and often times I don't want to leave to go teach a class or pack everything up to go for a long walk. It is hard to schedule in "mommy time" away from your children. I promise you will be a better mother for it. When you feel good, how much of a better mom are you? I know that I am able to engage with my daughter and pay attention to the things she needs so much better when I feel happy and positive. So, go take that yoga class, book an appointment with your chiropractor or get a massage, take an evening to go have a glass of wine with a girlfriend. I know you don't have time. Make time. Put it on the calendar and don't cancel. The grueling day to day work of being a parent can truly affect how you parent so do the work and take the time to be the best you can be. Your children are watching you and paying close attention. They will model what you do in their own lives and don't you want them to be as happy and healthy as they can be too? I began this blog as an ode to yoga and wellness, which are topics I will always include here, but I have decided to return to my roots in psychology and venture into a new world in blogging: Parenting. Parenting is hard work. Period. It is the most work you will do for the least money (that's zero, by the way) and you will hold this job for the rest of your life. There will be a lot of people who can help you along the way and provide some guidance, but there is no perfect way to raise your children. There is no road map. You get to figure this out on your own, or if you are lucky, with a partner (who is as lost as you are).
As a behavior analyst, I am the first to say that my child does not have perfect behavior. She never will and that is okay with me. My job is to guide her, teach her, and keep her safe. She gets to make choices and learn from them. I get to let her do that. This does not mean my daughter runs the show. There are many parenting styles and I believe that is a right and a choice of the parent to determine how to raise your children. I am not advocating for one type over another. I will say, I believe healthy boundaries are important. You are the parent for a reason. Your child depends on you to teach them what is acceptable and what is not. When boundaries are clear, children get to feel safe to explore and grow within those boundaries. Boundaries and rules will constantly be changing as your children grow, and they should. If you are rigid and unwilling to reevaluate your rules, you will fuel a fire and create a world of unnecessary strife in your relationship with your children. Do I have it all figured out? Absolutely not. What I do know is that my education and experience with children has given me a level confidence in most difficult parenting situations I would not have had otherwise. I would love to share my journey with you in this blog and hope you enjoy reading along the way. The reason there are no answers are because your child is a unique individual with intricacies all their own. You are also unique and your experiences together will be different than anyone else's because of this. All you can control is your attitude. You can accept these intricacies, or fight them. You can focus on the difficulties, or the victories. I recommend viewing the world from your child's eyes, it's a beautiful view. Hi Yogis! Please note November dates for Therapeutic Yoga at Allen Chiropractic are shifted this month. We will be holding classes on the following dates in November:
Thursday, 11/13 at 6:00 p.m. Thursday, 11/20 at 6:00 p.m. Saturday, 11/29 at 9:00 a.m. December classes will resume on Saturday mornings at 9:00 a.m. I apologize for the inconvenience and look forward to seeing you in class! Sincerely, Aurora |